“Your hope is not a mocking dream… We cannot hope until we know, however obscurely, that there is something to hope for…”
Some may have noticed a lack of posts the last month or so. Rather than explaining I will share some journal excerpts that I wrote this weekend during a retreat at Worth Abbey:
I’m finding a slowness in my soul. A pain that is just ahead of me that I want to feel but, like in a dream, I’m weighed down and can’t catch it. I only ever get the tail end – a dull unsatisfactory ache. I long to pass through the pain, to weep it out; the fear, the insecurity.
I long for peace, for healing, for forgiveness. Where have I gone? Father…
There is a firing range nearby, I can hear the shots through the forest. In this peaceful place, a faint reflection of war.
Somewhere deep inside, hidden in the woods, a battle rages – but on the surface it seems calm.
Where will peace come from? From Christ? I’m told… I want to believe that.
But the echoes of the firing range follow me as I walk up the muddy path back to the monastery
Advent has begun. A time for new beginnings. This advent I want to let go, to be okay with being lost.
My journal entries speak of a desire to feel. To encounter my emotions, letting them flow and to encounter Christ. These are my prayers for advent.